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nik novak

In related news: I recently killed a bird (not the parakeet).


The time: Sunday, 16 October 2005
The place: 510 Gilbert Avenue, Eau Claire, Wisconsin, USA
Weather conditions: Normal


Actually our story begins last fall when a local woodpecker (a downy), uneducated in the ways of American property law, commenced banging his pointed snout against the clapboard exterior of my humble abode.

It was around this time that I first attempted to kill the woodpecker. I would wake up, every morning at 0500 hours, listening to the violent reverboration of my bedroom walls. Peck peck peck. Peck peck peck. I'd scream, rattle the window, walk outside in my shorts and slippers hurling pinecones into the spruce tree where the aforementioned enemy took sanctuary.

Then winter set in and the woodpecker went elsewhere. Until spring, when he returned, reinvigorated.

For months the bird banged away. Peck peck peck. Peck peck peck.

I was going out of my mind.


Then, Sunday morning, while I was spooning coffee grounds into my little paper filter, the bird started in his usual drilling. I scampered upstairs, pushed open the screen window, container of spackle in hand, at the ready. No bird in sight. But the pecking had not abated. The bird had finally burrowed through the clapboard and was now INSIDE the wall!

Verily, I hustled back downstairs, entered the garage, stole a fistful of fiberglass insulation, wrested my ladder from its hanging berth, sprinted around the house, hoisted my ladder, ascended, and with deft motion, plugged the hole!

Now snickering, I returned with a roll of duct tape and officially imprisoned the noisome bastard within.

The pecking continued for some hours but eventually the bird, lacking oxygen, languished and died.

A brilliant strategic and tactical military engagement had been won by yours truly.


Emma O'Brien

I think you should send this picture into Found Magazine. It's just the kind of thing they'd like. www.foundmagazine.com


The streets of Eau Claire are rife with items for Found Magazine. Walking around downtown in the past few years, I've found a construction paper jack-o-lantern (made by “Jacob”), an IOU for 10 bucks, a grade schooler's love note, and a discarded (unsent) letter from someone to a judge asking for reduced jail time so he could work and support his family.

pumpkin princess

davy r of FOUND is speaking in P land tomorrow, i'm going to see if i can find it. oh just kidding i know where it is. i found it already.

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