Volume One

Jail: Got a Better Idea? (a continued reader letter)

There’s a letter in our March 27 issue from “John V.” about the ongoing Eau Claire county jail controversy. John describes his frustration with the situation and claims to have a better plan.  Well, here is his plan –which was too lengthy to print, but too, um, genius/ridiculous/hysterical to cut down. First is the letter intro (the one that appears in the print edition of V1), and second is his “idea” for what we really should do to solve the situation. For starters, it involves a three- or four-mile enclosed footbridge, a waterslide, and a brothel. Click "continue reading" below to embrace the glorious proposal

Posted by Nick

Altoona Star Whoops on All Y'all

I would like to humbly assert that the Altoona Star has the best news website of any news organization in the Chippewa Valley.

(Parenthetical notes: The Star's managing editor Emily used to intern with V1. She is awesome. I don't include our own website in this assessment because we don't put the actual contents of the mag online – we just blog about silly stuff like this. Otherwise, obviously, I'd have to say we're the best.)

Here's why. It's not that the site is more technologically advanced than those of our local TV stations (TV-13, TV-18) and newspapers (Leader-Telegram, Chippewa Herald, Dunn County News, The Spectator). It's not the news coverage itself - a small community paper like the Star is just a different sort of animal from its aforementioned bretheren, and I'm not comparing that. What I like about the Star is that it's set up more or less like a blog (which works well for the web) and doesn't try to be a replica of the original print/broadcast version (which doesn't work so well for the web).

The site is visually simpler than any of the others – and that's a good thing. Stories are tagged with different categories, so with one click you can look up all past stories on "Girls' Hockey" or "Development" or "Neighbor of the Week." The main page shows a small module with headline, date, byline, and the first paragraph or so – exactly the amount of information you need to scan over to see if you want to click through and read the rest. The Star has, at least spottily, wised up to the genius of hyperlinks within stories. Between the tags and the archive by date and the reasonably well-made search feature, it's easy to find old stories (which go all the way back to the site's launch in August 2007). And while we're on the topic of old and new, the only differentiation between stories from the current issue and previous issues is the date on the post – which makes sense, because on the web there are no "previous issues."

The site has room for visual and functional improvement, of course. But I think the Altoona Star has the right idea.

Discuss in the comments.

Posted by Karline

Lollygaggers Protest Oversized Motor Vehicles!

You should check out this one website chock full of fun, little videos showing people around the nation voicing distain towards Hummers… in their own, unique way. Just click yourself on over to www.ihumpedyourhummer.com

Posted by Mike

The Hitler vs. Coulter Quiz

VolumeOne.org reader/sexy pundit Aryn sent us a link to what he calls “the most impossible quiz ever.” In it, you must correctly attribute a series of quotations to either Adolph Hitler or Ann Coulter. Such as...

"Taking these consequences into account, it is no accident that it is always primarily the liberal who tries and succeeds in planting such mortally dangerous modes of thought in our people."

"These scum manufacture more than three quarters of the so-called 'public opinion,'...To give an accurate description of this process and depict it in all its falsehood and improbability, one would have to write volumes."

"Liberals always get a lot of credit for suffering, while never actually being made to suffer."

It’s a toughie. Thanks, Aryn!

Posted by Mike

What Eau Claire Really Needs...

I'm taking a page out of Eric's book for this one... I've been thinking, and what Eau Claire really, really needs is a gang of those extreme urban runner guys. I was watching A&E the other night, and they had a special on a bunch of French / English / Whatever guys who just run up and down buildings all day. Amazing! They look like slightly more badass versions of Jackie Chan. Now, I know our downtown isn't quite as built up as Paris / London / Whatever, but I'm pretty sure that we could get together a couple of 'hoons' and convince them to jump up/jump over/jump onto whatever we’ve got. And as an added bonus, if one of these guys happens to know karate AND is a millionaire—well, then we have a possible superhero/vigilante on our hands. EC's very own Batman? Let's do this.

Evidently, the practice is called Parkour. Here's a website that makes its practitioners look like Spiderman on crack. 

Posted by Ian

Wal-Mart’s Acres Across America Comes to the Chippewa Valley

What the heck—let’s get nutty and have two Wal-Mart posts today. I just noticed a little article in Sunday’s Leader-Telegram about some local Wal-Mart employees who participated in the retail behemoth’s annual Acres Across America program by “refurbishing” an acre of land in Irvine Park (in Chippewa Falls). From the article...

Kathy Haakana, personnel coordinator for the store, said this year the store chose to participate in the annual Acres Across America event, a way for Wal-Mart to give back to local communities.

“For every acre we develop, we try to preserve an acre,” she said.

Bill Faherty, Chippewa Falls Parks and Recreation director, gladly gave the employees an acre of land around an old schoolhouse at the park to refurbish.

In turn, the company will donate $100 per worker to Irvine Park. Haakana said the park should benefit by about $2,700, not to mention one cleaned-up acre. Read more (registration may be required).

Well, I really can’t put down local people working to rehabilitate local land—and  I won’t. These individual people did a good thing, and I thank them for it. But why is Wal-Mart being so nice? So they can look good, duh. Here’s a quote from an Alternet.org article about the program...

In Maine, even as Wal-Mart secures easements on northern forest land, it's also cutting down forest and filling wetlands elsewhere in the state. In the town of Scarborough, Wal-Mart plans to abandon one store--leaving a carcass the size of two football fields surrounded by acres of asphalt--and clear-cut a wooded site across the street to build an even bigger supercenter. The "old" Wal-Mart opened in 1993.

"Protecting our environment is simply the right thing to do," Wal-Mart vice president Mike Duke said in announcing the Acres for America deal. Read more.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that an “acre for an acre” doesn’t exactly cancel out Wal-Mart’s devastating environmental impact. I’m glad there’s a new fence and a repainted schoolhouse in Irvine Park, but Wal-Mart still sucks.

Posted by Mike

Wal-Mart Is Like Peanut Butter...

...because it spreads so easy. Check out this animation of “Wal-Mart store openings, illustrating each store opening in the United States from 1962 to 2004.” It looks like some eerie, nation-wide, virtual outbreak. (It was made by Thomas Holmes of the University of Minnesota.)

Posted by Mike

My Favorite Albums

Here are my favorite albums:

• At Folsom Prison / At San Quentin
–Johnny Cash
• The Mountain –Steve Earle and the
Del McCoury Band
• Nashville Skyline, Bringing It All Back Home, and Freewheelin' –Bob Dylan
• Fox Confessor Brings the Flood –Neko Case
• Dreaming My Dreams –Waylon Jennings
• Mercy Now –Mary Gauthier
• Folk Singer –Muddy Waters
• Red Headed Stranger –Willie Nelson
• Salesmen and Racists –Ike Reilly
• Burnside on Burnside –R. L. Burnside
• Infamous Angel –Iris DeMent
• Nighthawks at the Diner –Tom Waits
• The Rising –Bruce Springsteen
• Mermaid Avenue –Billy Bragg and Wilco

Click ‘Continue’ for the rest of the list. Click ‘Comments’ to add your own.

Posted by Nik Novak

Pimp Kozy Your TV

In honor of TV Turnoff Week, here's something to do with your TV besides watch it: put a kozy on it. These range from 35 to 50 bucks, but you could probably make one at home with the help of a sewing machine and a tape measure. And maybe a hot glue gun.

My junior high English teacher's husband would paint the screens of TVs in their house. Apparently their children enjoyed looking at them. I think some of his work (not the TVs) might be on display at the Acoustic in Eau Claire right now.

Posted by Mike

Holy Chocolate Crosses!

Shannon and I started seeing these things appear in the Easter candy displays at Mega Pick-n-Save and Gordy’s, and we wondered why people were just walking right by them, completely un-aghast. Seriously, how long have chocolate crosses been on the market? Long enough for people to be used to them? Or do people just expect this kind of thing? For all I care, Russell Stover can sell peanut butter and caramel-filled Miracle Virgin Mary Treats that bleed out the eyes, but I kind of expected a little righteous outrage over something so commercial. And weird—why would any self-respecting Christian mom or dad want to see their kid gorging themselves on a tiny, milk-chocolate replica of a 2,000-year old torture device that they believe helped save the souls of all humanity? Anyway, a number of different companies make them, and you can buy one on Amazon.

In related “news,” here’s a fascinating how-to on making Easter turducken with a Cadbury Cream Egg, a peep, and a chocolate bunny. Yes, folks, Easter never tasted so sweet.

Posted by Mike

Thursday: Oppose the Coal

Last night, I received the following update from Will Fantle of the Chippewa Valley Sustainable Energy Association (CV-SEA), a grassroots organization that promotes clean energy and conservation in our fair valley:

We are holding a news conference and media event in Phoenix Park, in downtown Eau Claire, on Thursday, April 13 during the noon hour.

The news conference will start at 12:15pm and we are meeting at the public pavilion near the post office.

Please come join us and show that there are people opposing the Tyrone coal plant proposal. The media will be well served with good crowd shots.

Xcel Energy has proposed construction of a new 750 megawatt coal-fired power plant to be located on the Lower Chippewa River, 19 miles downstream from Eau Claire.

(In case you were interested.)

Posted by Nik Novak

Write a Letter: It Makes You Sexy

Everyone knows that actions speak louder than words. And everyone also knows that people of action are sexy as hell. So, you should take some action and write some words and send them to Volume One. Head editor Nick is once again looking for thoughtful letters to publish in the upcoming May issue. What pisses you off about Volume One? What makes you happy about it? What’s going on in the Chippewa Valley that isn’t getting enough coverage? What did you have for lunch? Write a letter and tell us, and then you will be sexy as hell. This is not a joke.

It's easy. To send a letter, click here or email Nick at his head editor email address: mail@volumeone.org

Posted by Mike

Comment of the Week

Last week, reader Nate chimed in on the Official Meat of NASCAR post with this bit of wisdom...

In a way, I think we all have some NASCAR bacon in the fridge.

Such simple, powerful words—thank you.

Posted by Mike

Too Early?

So last week Mike and I went to see the movie Inside Man. There’s been some poor reviews of the film, but we both really enjoyed it, and I stand by my recommendation of the movie. All of you: go see it. This post, however, is not about “Inside Man.” Instead, I want to talk a bit about a preview that was played before the movie. Because it’s something that stuck with me, and has been in my mind on and off since I saw it.

The preview was for an upcoming film United 93. Which, if you’ve not heard, is a real-time reenactment of events that occurred on Flight 93 on September 11, 2001. It seems that Hollywood has deemed 5 years as the proper length of time to wait before it begins churning out films based on 9/11. I’m not sure I agree.

Yes, writer-director Paul Greengrass has contacted (and received approval from) all of the families of the victims of Flight 93, and Universal has even promised to donate 10% of the first 3 days gross to the Flight 93 memorial. Good, good, all good. But what I don’t hear is a respectable answer for “why.” Why make this film? Why now? It seems the strongest, and most repeated, argument for “why” is that we must make this, and future movies about 9/11, so that we don’t forget. Huh? After 5 years?? At a movie-plex? I’m sorry, but that just isn’t sitting well with me. I’m having trouble seeing all of this as anything other than a chance to cash in on a horrendous day in our history. And I feel that watching it in a theater cheapens the gravity of the events.

I believe there are heroes from 9/11 who deserve to have their story told, I’m just not convinced that the place to do it is in a theater with a 64 oz soda and a barrel of popcorn. So I’m turning to you folks. I’m interested to hear other opinions on all of this. Do you support the film? Am I being uptight and overly sensitive about the whole thing? What are your thoughts?

P.S. Click here and here for some interesting reactions to the United 93 film and trailer.

Posted by Shannon

Opinion: Thoughts on Immigration

The recent blitz of news regarding U.S. immigration policy, protests, and political infighting calls for reflection.

Indeed, much ink has been spilled in the last week or so over what to do about the throng of destitute wretches seeking asylum in this great country of ours. The solutions range from left ("Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...") to right ("Re-trench and Re-arm!").

Alas, I have heard of no popular proposal from Congress that seeks to reduce immigrants’ desire to come here. Building big, expensive border walls is obviously ridiculous, as proved by Israel, Germany, China, and others. Similarly, open-door policies and "guest-worker" programs are not the answer, as they would surely cripple our already overwhelmed institutions of welfare and education. In other words: Once here, always here. You can't just evict a worker whose time in this country is up, because there is no incentive for them to go anywhere else. Nor can you let a person stay and not provide them with food, shelter, etc. To do otherwise would be uncivilized.

Posted by Nik Novak

Comment of the Week

Last week, concerned VolumeOne.org reader Peter posted the following comment to a George Carlin show review...

Why in gods name are the same bands and artists with the same stuff appearing in volume one?

one sided view points

small town inside jokes

tounge and cheek opinions that only the staff understands

Nick, how about you go to shows, attend art fairs, and make a point to report on art and music rather than have your monkeys give opinions on the same things over and over again.

Take some control.

Volume one is evolving into the onion. [sic]

I’ll keep my monkey opinions to myself. Volume One’s head editor Nick responded with his own comment, but decided to go a step further. Check this out:

Ok, everybody—it’s Volume One’s report card time. For the past four years this magazine has been growing and evolving into something we’re quite proud of. We’ve made a bunch of advancements, we’ve made a lot of mistakes, and we’ve created an impressive pile of lame, unused ideas. Typically, when you’ve been on the “inside” of an operation like this for a while, it becomes hard to see its faults and weaknesses. So, we’re turning to you for some ideas, advice, and constructive criticism.

Don’t tell us what you like about Volume One. Tell us what you always wish we would’ve done, what we should be doing, what you think would be useful, entertaining, and informative. Tell us what parts of the magazine are a waste of time, what sorts of articles you think are boring, or where you think we’re missing the boat. Tell us what you would do if you were running the show. Anything you have… bring it.

Simply leave a comment on this post. If you can, please keep it constructive and helpful—we have feelings too, you know. Trust us, you don’t want to make Volume One staffers sad. When we cry, it is what it sounds like when doves cry.

Well, there you go, kids. Please gather up all your V1-reading friends and tell them to leave a comment—and don’t hold back. Your input will be used in the shaping of future issues.

P.S. If you want, feel free to use a fake name and email address. Just like Peter did.

Posted by Mike and Nick

‘Blugold’ Lamest Mascot Ever?

Hey, speaking of the Leader-Telegram, Volumeone.org reader/highly paid mercenary Scott points us towards an L-T editorial investigating the age old riddle, “What the hell is a Blugold?” Actually, the real point of the editorial concerns whether or not UWEC should keep using its non-mascot. Editor Don Huebscher posits...

Does it bother you there’s no barrel-chested badger or wolverine on UW-Eau Claire sportswear, just an insignia of a blue “E” inside a gold “C,” or simply the word “Blugolds.”

It apparently bothers members of the school’s Student Senate, which recently approved a resolution recommending the chancellor form a committee to review the need for “redefining” a Blugold.

The first question is where to start? Should the students redefine the Blugold moniker or come up with a new one altogether? And if we’re going to start from scratch, are there any obvious ideas? Read more (registration required).

Scott says, "'Blugold' may not be the silliest nickname in the free world (the Univ. of California - Santa Cruz Banana Slugs may own this title), but it's certainly one of the lamest. ‘Blugold’ won't survive a spell check, and that always hints at trouble.”

Amen. Personally, I think coming up with an entirely new mascot inspired by our illustrious lumber heritage would be a great opportunity for the students on campus to feel more connected with the greater Eau Claire community. But we gotta sex it up a little. Imagine the solid sense of place (and vivacious discussion) that could stem from a name like the “Eau Claire Hacksaws,” or the “UWEC Log Jammers,” or the “EC Bark Removers.” Just imagine.

If you've got a better mascot idea, leave a comment.

Posted by Mike

Vin Diesel Is A Dumbass

Seriously. I just saw him on Letterman last night, and it reminded me just how perplexing it is that this guy is currently on America's A-List. Every time I've seen him on a talk show it's the same thing. He thinks it's so damn clever to just grin at the audience after every question as though he was just asked to solve the worlds most complicated math problem. It really is amazing. Sorry for the venomous and pointless post... but this guy is just SUCH a dumbass.

Posted by Nick

Wisconsin Bishop OK's St. Patty’s Day Meat Munching

Praise Jesus! This year’s Lenten season just about fecked up St. Patrick’s Day, but all you corned beef and cabbage-loving Catholics out there can breath a bit easier: the Diocese of La Crosse has issued a decree saying you can write God an I.O.U. this Friday and chow down on Grandma O’Flannigan’s savory specialty—just make sure you abstain from meat on some other day this week... like Wednesday, maybe. Sound too good to be true? Then, check out the Diocese of La Crosse’s snazzy website, where you can download a PDF of the “Decree of Dispensation for the Memorial of Saint Patrick” and see for yourself, Mr. (or Mrs.) Doubting Thomas.

Personally, I think the whole Friday fish-eating thing is ludicrous. If the idea is to make a personal sacrifice once a week during Lent (correct me if I’m wrong), perhaps the Catholic Church should swap delectable seafood meatless dinners for, oh I don’t know, two hours of volunteer work at a homeless shelter.

But maybe that’s just my 13 years of Catholic school talking. I attended grade school at Eau Claire’s own St. James Elementary, were we used to have semi-regular “Rice Bowl Days.” The idea was to experience the hardships of poor kids in other countries by switching our normal lunch with a simple bowl of rice. The problem was that I loved eating rice—more than the normal school lunch—and the awesome lunch lady always gave me seconds. So, the idea of personal sacrifice was pretty much lost on me. And to this day, I crave sticky rice.

At any rate, I’m pretty jazzed about Lent this year because Taco John’s is featuring “Friday’s of Lent Bean Burritos” for only 49 cents. Halleluiah!

Posted by Mike

Comment of the Week

We’ve never had a “Comment of the Week” before, but if we keep getting good ones, we’ll feature them. The post quoting a Leader-Telegram article on John Menard has generated a lot of great discussion, including this comment from Scott...

“Might there be a connection between the fact that John Menard is Wisconsin's wealthiest individual, while Eau Claire has the lowest per capita income of Wisconsin's 12 metropolitan areas? The wealth appears to be ‘trickling up’ rather than ‘trickling down.’ No, I take that back. The wealth appears to be ‘gushing up.’ From us.”

Feel free to agree or disagree. After a close examination of Menard’s photograph, Emma adds...

"He looks like what would happen if Thurston Howell and Captain Kangaroo conceived a child."

Thanks for the dialogue, everyone.

Posted by Mike

TONIGHT: Defeat the Ban

Hey, guys. This is some pretty big news that we’re getting late in the game. Check out this press release from Fair Wisconsin:

Last week, the Wisconsin Assembly placed a measure on the November ballot to ban civil unions and marriage for gay and lesbian families.

Today, Fair Wisconsin, the new statewide campaign to defeat the ban, will host a kick-off training in Eau Claire. It's part of a series of trainings in seven cities.

Local campaign supporters will gather to learn more about how they can get involved in the effort to make Wisconsin the first state in the nation to defeat a civil unions and marriage ban.

The event will feature local speakers who reflect the growing and diverse opposition to the civil unions and marriage ban. Fair Wisconsin campaign manager Mike Tate will explain plans to defeat the ban in November.

The first portion of the event will be open to media. Speakers will be available for interviews.

I’m not sure how all you people out there feel about this issue, but it seems like a lot of Volume One’s readers would be against banning civil unions and same-sex marriage. Correct me if I’m wrong.

A few years ago, while Shannon and I were planning our wedding ceremony, we thought about this issue a lot. To me, it’s pretty shitty that our government allows people like Brittany Spears to get married and divorced in the course a few days, granting her and her spouse every single tax beak, exemption, and legal status on the books, while—at the very same moment—there are people who love each other (and America) and are making countless positive contributions to society... yet aren’t allowed the same, basic privileges as their fellow citizens. It’s truly wrong. Anyway...

Defeat the Ban. TONIGHT: Thursday, March 9th at Christ Church Cathedral, 510 S. Farwell Street, Eau Claire, WI. 5:40pm, all ages(?), free. Website. Ph: 608-444-7428

Posted by Mike

President’s Day Fun

Rather than giving thanks to our presidential leadership on this very secular holy day, I recommend listening to a few rabble-rousing speeches over at Amy Goodman's "Democracy Now!" website. In particular, try Sojourner Truth's "Ain't I a Woman?" (fast-forward to 28:50).

Posted by Nik Novak

Midwestern Perceptions

I never had an inferiority complex about my Midwestern residence until I lived in Boston for a summer. Turns out—surprise!—coasties think their home states are better than ours. I sulked when they referred to Wisconsin as a backward "flyover state" and spent my time trying to convince people that yes, UW-Eau Claire was a perfectly respectable institution of higher education and no, I did not sleep in a barn with cows. Then I consoled myself by cuddling up in my UWEC sweatshirt and eating a hunk of cheese.

So I wasn't surprised when the blog MNspeak.com noted a condescending travel article in the NYT about Minneapolis: "a place where people actually say, 'you're darn tootin!'" At least the writer called it "an increasingly cool city." A related story in last week's Leader-Telegram credits citywide Wi-Fi for boosting Minneapolis’ hipness, leading with the following graf:

Stuck in flyover land, with a deep-seated fear of becoming a cold Omaha, Minneapolis has found another way to assert its hipness: Internet everywhere. Read more (subscription required).

Yeah, well... at least we finish our road construction in under a
decade.

Posted by Karline

We Need A Good German Restaurant

Eau Claire badly needs a good German restaurant. I say this out of no particular love for the Teutonic pariahs who gave us World Wars One (1914-1918) and Two (1939-1945)—I just really like the food they prepare. Breaded pork cutlets laden in rich mushroom gravy, potato dumplings the size of your fist, creamed spinach, hot red cabbage, loaves of rye and pumpernickel bread, apple strudel, cheese cake, and lager galore. If nothing else, the Germans know how to eat and they often die happy doing so.

German food has never weighed so heavily on my mind. Chicago’s Berghoff Restaurant is closing its doors at the end of February, and I feel as though I am losing an old friend to some horrible and incurable affliction. Honestly, how can such a warm and pleasant place just board up after 107 years? 107 years?! Achtung! You must eat there before the opportunity escapes.

The other eatery on which Eau Claire’s hypothetical restaurant should model itself is Stillwater’s Gasthaus Bavarian Hunter—the jewel of my childhood—all dark pine and heavy beam, with big open windows looking out over the goats, and buxom waitresses sprinting everywhere, balancing twenty pounds of food on the tips of their fingers. The place is first class. Especially on a Saturday night when the main dining hall is lit up and patrons are dancing on the tables, half liters in hand, while eighty-year-old Ed taps out another polka on his accordion machine.

Eau Claire may be a small city with a pitiable track record for establishing highly-regarded eateries, but it is my fervent hope that somebody around here could provide us, the denizens of the Chippewa Valley, with a place as grand as either the Berghoff or the Gasthaus.

You would fill my belly and my soul.

Posted by Nik Novak

U.S. PRESIDENTIAL RANKINGS(PART SIX OF SIX)

This is the sixth in a six-part series assessing U.S. presidents. I am discussing my top four “best” presidents first and saving “the most endearing” and “the most repulsive” for last. I rank all presidents according to the vigilance and effectiveness of their choices on foreign, fiscal, social, and environmental policy within the context of their tenure. Naturally, all scoring reflects my own personal prejudices. Feel free to argue.

The most repulsive...

ANDREW JACKSON (1829-1837)
The good: He was colorful and ferocious and he gave purpose to the executive veto. The bad: He enjoyed the fruits of slavery and killed lots of Indians. He destroyed the national bank for mostly petty reasons and redistributed its funds to even poorlier run state banks. And, as UW-Eau Claire History Professor Oscar Chamberlain notes: “Jackson’s Specie Circular (an 1836 act requiring land payments in gold or silver) threw the speeding car of land boom into park at 70 miles per hour—one of the rare presidential initiatives to actually ruin the economy.”

Quotable quotation: “My chief regret was not executing the Vice President.”

Posted by Nik Novak

What Happened to Halftime?

Like any hot-blooded American male, I love the Super Bowl. I love the commercials. I love the competition. I love almost everything about it. But you know what I don’t love? The frickin’ halftime show. It's gotten weak. Real weak. Ever since the whole Janet Jackson boob debacle, we've been treated to wheezing geriatrics shaking their fannies and urgling into a microphone what was once a hit song. Why, Super Bowl Gods, why? Do we no longer deserve to see the pageantry of American excess? Sure, the Rolling Stones are great, but are they any match for the crazy Super Bowl when that guy dressed up like Indiana Jones and ran out to wreak havoc among a chorus of showgirls? Sadly, the answer is no. Even Super Bowl #1 had a dude with a jetpack. A JETPACK. Do you have any idea how far jetpack technology has come in the last forty years? Neither do I, because we‘ve lost the perfect venue for showcasing jetpack progress—the Super Bowl Halftime Extravaganza. I'm not saying we should get rid of Paul McCartney. Let's just strap him to a jetpack and see what happens. From now on, every Super Bowl halftime show must have at least one of the following: a giant fireball, a ridiculous cover song covered by a boy-band dressed up as Robocop(s), or at the very least, another incident where Joe Namath makes a drunken pass at Susie Colber. I've made my case—the ball’s in your court, America.

Also, that Diet Pepsi Brown and Bubbly song was stupid.

Posted by Ian

State of the Union Reaction

Mr. Chuck over at MNStories.com has a great vlog entry about last night’s Big Bush Talk. Check it out, you might find it chuckle-icious.

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.

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Posted by Mike

U.S. PRESIDENTIAL RANKINGS(PART FIVE OF SIX)

This is the fifth in a six-part series assessing U.S. presidents. I am discussing my top four “best” presidents first and saving “the most endearing” and “the most repulsive” for last. I rank all presidents according to the vigilance and effectiveness of their choices on foreign, fiscal, social, and environmental policy within the context of their tenure. Naturally, all scoring reflects my own personal prejudices. Feel free to argue.

The most endearing...

JOHN ADAMS (1797-1801)
Dour, irascible, and funny as hell—one of few 18th century writers whose work is easy and pleasurable to read. Adams stands as perhaps the most articulate defender of liberty (Alien and Sedition Laws aside) ever to hold office. He had the utter misfortune of following in the footsteps of fellow wig-headed hero George Washington.

.

THOMAS JEFFERSON (1801-1809)
The most fascinating and hypocritical of all the Presidents. A fanatical debt-reductionist, Jefferson pretty well broke the bank buying 500 million acres of Indian land. Also, he died in the red with his plantation account entirely untallied.

.

RUTHERFORD HAYES (1877-1881)
Although his administration was initially plagued by backroom electoral dealing, President Hayes proved a surprisingly able chief, actively professionalizing the bureaucracy, acknowledging past government indiscretions (racism against blacks and Indians, etc.), and conserving public land.

.

GROVER CLEVELAND (1885-1889 and 1893-1897)
The heaviest president to date, Jowly Grover waged a successful and satisfying war against pork-barrel spending, refused to annex the territory of Hawai’i on grounds of conspiratorial imperialism, and issued more executive vetoes than all of his predecessors combined. Non-reactionary accomplishments include signature of the Interstate Commerce Act, later enforced by Theodore “Big Stick” Roosevelt.

Posted by Nik Novak

U.S. PRESIDENTIAL RANKINGS(PART FOUR OF SIX)

This is the fourth in a six-part series assessing U.S. presidents. I am discussing my top four “best” presidents first and saving “the most endearing” and “the most repulsive” for last. I rank all presidents according to the vigilance and effectiveness of their choices on foreign, fiscal, social, and environmental policy within the context of their tenure. Naturally, all scoring reflects my own personal prejudices. Feel free to argue.

The fourth of the top four...

FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT (1933-1945)

FOREIGN POLICY
While no war in the history of man has ever been waged for altruistic reasons or conducted with any degree of civility, FDR’s undertaking stands testament to his bold character and good sense. Fascist leaders were bending peoples and markets to meet their will and destabilizing international relations for the worse. Pacifism alone would not have solved or lessened the hell that was WWII; it took grim, unconscionable decisions and painful dialogue with men of equal ego and assuredness. Nothing about the inter-workings of WWII leadership could have come easy to FDR, yet his endeavors succeeded—and with the bulk of public opinion behind him.

A (4.00)

FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY
Instinctively a conservative Democrat, FDR broke free of his nature to launch the most expansive set of government programs in American history. The New Deal kept FDR from being run out on a rail. His creativity rescued hundreds of banks and thousands of worried families from total collapse in the short term. Yet for all his hard work and experimentation, FDR’s New Deal only plunged the nation further into debt. We can thank Hitler and Tojo for kick-starting our economy.

B (3.00)

Posted by Nik Novak

Modern Movies: Pain in the Ass

I don’t really see all that many movies in the theater, but recently I somehow managed to see three films in six days: Munich on Friday, King Kong on Sunday, and Memoirs of a Geisha on Wednesday. All were pretty good (obviously for different reasons), and I’ll spare you reviews. But they all have something in common that is beginning to seem like a trend in Hollywood: they all run more than two and a half hours long. The biggest offender (pun intended) is King Kong—clocking in at three hours and seven minutes. Director Peter Jackson is known for long films, and perhaps with the Lord of the Rings trilogy it’s justified, but for Kong he could have easily cut out a couple of Kong vs. Dinosaur(s) battles and saved my legs from a few extra aches and pains. Seriously Hollywood (and I know you’re reading this) lets not get so carried away. Keep it under two hours.

Posted by Nick

U.S. PRESIDENTIAL RANKINGS(PART THREE OF SIX)

This is the third in a six-part series assessing U.S. presidents. I am discussing my top four “best” presidents first and saving “the most endearing” and “the most repulsive” for last. I rank all presidents according to the vigilance and effectiveness of their choices on foreign, fiscal, social, and environmental policy within the context of their tenure. Naturally, all scoring reflects my own personal prejudices. Feel free to argue.

The third of the top four...

THEODORE ROOSEVELT (1901-1909)

FOREIGN POLICY
Roosevelt exercised full executive police powers over European interests in the Western Hemisphere. In doing so, he staved off world conflict and kept weaker Latin American governments dependent (militarily and economically) on the U.S. The construction of the Panama Canal—his “crowning achievement”—grossly benefited American interests at the expense of weaker peoples. Amazingly, such meddling (fomenting insurrections against sovereign countries and the like) remained mostly secret from the press. Other daring-do (an ostentatious circumnavigation by the U.S. Navy, a high-seas rescue of a tax-evading ex-patriot, and a Nobel-winning peace deal brokered between the Japanese and Russian governments) was much proclaimed and fawned over.

C (2.00)

FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY
With typical exuberance, candor, and bombast, the Bull Moose declared all elite business leaders “parasitic oligarchs” and effectively imprinted himself on the American psyche. He then turned to the trusts and extended his “Gentlemen’s Agreement”: Act responsibly or I will use my authority and popularity to destroy you. While TR busted relatively few trusts, the precedent of economic oversight he set was enormous.

A (4.00)

Posted by Nik Novak

U.S. PRESIDENTIAL RANKINGS(PART TWO OF SIX)

This is the second in a six-part series assessing U.S. presidents. I am discussing my top four “best” presidents first and saving “the most endearing” and “the most repulsive” for last. I rank all presidents according to the vigilance and effectiveness of their choices on foreign, fiscal, social, and environmental policy within the context of their tenure. Naturally, all scoring reflects my own personal prejudices. Feel free to argue.

The second of the top four...

ABRAHAM LINCOLN (1861-1865)

FOREIGN POLICY
Due to circumstances beyond his control, Lincoln waged war and diplomacy against a confederacy of secessionist states rather than any international entity. His stated goal was preservation of the Union, and to that end, he successfully employed a string of generals believing in total war, the darkest, bitterest, most ironic doctrine ever devised by man—and the best one by far for the times. (Lincoln dictated total war as well as total reconciliation for the South.) The war decimated forest, field, and stream, lay to rest three-quarters of a million enlisted men, starved or infected countless non-combatants, and left a legacy of embitterment, poverty, and malaise. Yet “Lincoln’s War,” for all its terrible effectiveness, achieved actual moral clarity. Slavery was crushed and the ideal of liberty expanded.

A (4.00)

FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY
The greatest misconception of presidential politics is that presidents shape our national economy to any great degree. They do not. And never was this truer than during Lincoln’s century when fiscal Darwinism reigned. Cagey businessmen, for good or ill, made the decisions that affected people’s lives. For his part, Lincoln made life easier for the few than for the millions. He paid lip service to the working poor, but ultimately, U.S. war contracts improved the lot of those who had already achieved financial security. The Homestead Act of 1862, which offered cheap land out west for those willing to settle it, was little more than a giveaway to corporations (usually railroad companies) who purchased the land en masse, exploited it and parceled it further. To his credit, Lincoln did have the good sense to levy a federal income tax. And although it was temporary, the tax kept the war within budget and took money from those wealthy assholes not dying miserable deaths on the battlefield.

B- (2.67)

Posted by Nik Novak

U.S. Presidential Rankings (Part One of Six)

This is the first in a six-part series assessing U.S. presidents. I intend to discuss my top four “best” presidents first and save the “most endearing” and the “most repulsive” for last. I rank all presidents according to the vigilance and effectiveness of their choices on foreign, fiscal, social, and environmental policy within the context of their tenure. Naturally, all scoring reflects my own personal prejudices. Feel free to argue.

Now, the first of the top four...

GEORGE WASHINGTON (1789-1797)

FOREIGN POLICY
To his endless credit, the sober, charismatic Washington determined upon a course of international restraint. His position as Commander in Chief of the U.S. military afforded all of the trappings and temptations of any king in Europe and still the old general kept his guns to himself. He correctly saw America for what it was, economically weak and politically disorganized, a nation teetering on the edge of wrack and ruin. Any involvement in the affairs of Europe surely would have embroiled America in yet another war it was ill-prepared to fight. His active avoidance of international idiocy saved America in her infancy.

A (4.00)

FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY
Washington successfully avoided entangling alliances while positioning his country as a major potential trade partner with most everyone. He used the advice of libertarian Thomas Jefferson but ultimately accepted the view of Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton who argued for a better integrated, centralized economy with a national bank and the ability to levy taxes. While I am partial to Jefferson’s agrarian philosophy (a romance at odds with human political reality), centralization strengthened America domestically and kept us from becoming, again, the colony of a foreign power.

A (4.00)

Posted by Nik Novak

Local Library Shoos Google

In late November, special Dewey-Decimal Correspondent Rob Reid emailed to let us know about plans to downgrade local library services. Here’s his update on the debacle...

The L.E. Phillips Memorial Public Library's Board of Trustees voted to restore the library's Reference services back to full level after initially voting to remove the Reference department and let Eau Claire residents depend on Google for their reference needs. They heard from the community—including several Volume One readers—and found out that Eau Claire folks do indeed value their Reference department. I applaud the Board of Trustees for having the flexibility and willingness to reverse their decision after hearing from the community. I'd like to thank everyone who spoke to them or the library's administration.

Yeah! This news is also covered in the January Volume One, in the Letters and Local Look sections (pages 5 & 8).

Thanks, Rob!

Posted by Mike

Let's Face It, Eau Claire Really Needs...

...abandoned underground structures.

If you’re an explorer, just keep on moving, buddy—Eau Claire is almost entirely devoid of cool places for you to "find." There are no abandoned subway stations, creepy church sub-basements, decrepit mental institutions, crumbling schools, or other avenues of urban exploration to satisfy your Indiana Jones-ish desires. Thanks to "progress" and "development," all of our buildings are new and locked and completely uninteresting. Let's face it. Eau Claire really needs places to satisfy amateur archeologists and explorers.

This is not an easy problem to solve. Thanks to Eau Claire's stupid forefathers, there simply aren’t any interesting, old, abandoned structures around. Sure, there's plenty of historical landmarks, but crawling through the Schlegelmilch house with a flashlight just won’t cut it. We are left with few options. We could build some subway tunnels to look like they are abandoned, but you and I both know this is an utterly ridiculous idea. The (obviously) best option is to travel back in time, commission a complex system of secret underground tunnels, pay for the work with some piece of future technology, come back to the future, and enjoy the exploration bliss. I've got my Indiana Jones hat on, and I'm ready to go.   

Posted by Eric

NoNoNoNoNo.

So I got some bad news the other day, and I've been stomping my mental feet in (fairly) silent protest ever since. Here's a brief reenactment:

She: Hey, did you hear what they're building up on Hastings Way [Hwy 53] near Boston's?
Me: I saw the construction, but I haven't heard what's going in there...
She: It's going to be a Starbucks.
Me: (internally) NOOOOOOOOOOO!

And... scene.

"But Shannon," you say, "Eau Claire is already home to one Starbucks..." Well, I don't care. I've been taking secret, silent pride in the fact that Starbucks has thus far kept its Frappacrappa thingies buried in the bowels of the mall area. In my mind, Starbucks has had to stand back, afraid to come out of its Target hole, unsure of how to overcome our thriving, local independent coffee shop scene.

But now it seems Starbucks has organized. They've formed a plan. A super-secret "Go get 'er, Ray" kind of plan. They are installing not one, but two (TWO!!) brand-spanking new stores in our beloved city. And we (well... I) didn't even see it coming. Not. Cool.

True to form, Starbucks isn't even opening their stores in areas that need a coffee shop. The store on Hwy 53, for instance, is being built within a one-mile radius of three other, LOCAL coffee shops. We Eau Clairians are fortunate in that the majority of our coffee shops are unique, community-minded establishments. They offer stages for local events, walls for local art, donations for local fund-raisers, and a general love for our beautiful city. You think Starbucks is going to do all that? Not likely.

What Starbucks will offer is a manufactured trendiness, designed specifically to make you feel urban and hip and everything the movies say you should be. They'll be clever and shiny and hard to resist, and by the time the novelty wears off and you're ready for something more authentic... it may be too late. The surrounding coffee shops may be on the verge of closing because they've lost a year of business. Starbucks has a gazillion stores worldwide. They don't need our money.

Guys, if we ignore them, they will go away. Tell that to your friends over a latte at Acoustic Café. It won't be hard to shut them down. Just keep buying your coffee where you have been. But if you do find yourself in a Starbucks, at least have some fun... here's some ideas.

Posted by Shannon

Local Library Set to Downgrade Services

Local man Rob Reid sent us the following message...

Q: What do you call a library without a reference department?
A: A bookstore.

Did you know that the L.E. Phillips Memorial Library's administration and library board are eliminating the trained reference department? The plans call for a person to sit at the reference desk, point people to the computers, and advise them to Google for answers. Can you imagine how many of Eau Claire's citizens will be lost without a reference staff to guide them through the incredible amount of information out there? Here's a recent example: An elderly woman was helped by the current reference staff to locate appropriate verses for her husband's memorial. Can you imagine that woman approaching the soon-to-be non-reference desk and being told to look it up on Google?

I am a former public librarian who is an active member of the American Library Association and I don't know of any other community in this nation that has decided to deprive their citizens this basic library function. Let the Library Board of Trustees know that this is a short-sighted move. You can contact them here.

Thanks, Rob!

Posted by Mike

Why’s It Gotta Be Sooo Late?

This past weekend, my wife, brother, and I caught the Trampled by Turtles and Retribution Gospel Choir show at the Stone’s Throw. The show was quite well-attended, at least compared to the ghost town-like populations of other rock shows I’ve been at. The energy in the place was incredible. Everyone was boucin’ and hootin’ and jivin’ away to the rabble-rousin’ bluegrass tunes that fell from the Turtles’ various stringed instruments. Except for me.

After a long week, I was too tired. Retribution Gospel Choir did not start until well after 10:00 PM, and the Turtles did not make it up to the stage until after midnight. I tried jivin’ just a little, but I felt like I was going to pass out.

I know I’m lame, an old man, and a giant weenie for secretly wanting sleep instead of a 1:30 AM finale. But I also know I’m not alone. If everyone is worried about rock-and-roll show attendance (and trust me, EVERYONE is), why not start earlier? Why not have people home by one(ish)? Why not accommodate the young working people who used to love going to shows but can no longer handle the hours?

Please?

Posted by Eric

Let's Face It, Eau Claire Really Needs...

...a signature food.

Whenever I am sad, my mind always wanders to the same thing: Boston Cream Pie. Oh, that cake. With all the chocolate frosting and the cream... just knowing such a wonderful confection exists is enough to brighten my mood. And then I ponder what a magical place Boston must be—with Cream Pie vendors on every corner, dispensing wonderfulness as people skip through the streets, eating their cakes and moaning with delight. I can see the happy people pointing at those who've just devoured a pie, saying, "You've got a little cream on your face!" And those with cream on their face respond, "I know! Isn't it wonderful?" Let's face it. Eau Claire needs a food we are happy to leave smeared on our faces.

We already have few types of food going for us. We live in the land of dairy and ethnic-European meats (bratwursts, kielbasas, and the like). We are also the home of Silver Springs mustards and horseradishes. I can taste it already... a bratwurst-like sausage infused with Cheddar and horseradish. We'll call it the Eau Clairewurst. They can be grilled or fried. Kids will pack them in their lunches. People of all ages will carry them around in their pockets as an any-time snack. You will walk into your favorite restaurant and the waitress will ask, "What will it be? Buffalo wings? New York strip? Philly Cheesesteak?" You will shake your head and say, "No ma 'am. I'll have an Eau Clairewurst." And you'll leave the meaty cheddar horseradish filling stuck to your face for days.

Posted by Eric

Personal Sacrifice

I am a contributing member of society. I love telling people that, especially strangers, especially from my living room window as they walk by. I started a new job at the beginning of September, and I'm sure you've noticed that society is a wee bit better for it.

But I'm having a little problem. My contribution to society requires getting up really frickin' early. 6:00 AM. It's still dark. The sleep-drool on my arm has not yet dried. I hit snooze five times, brush my teeth first thing, take a hot shower, eat Cheerios, drink coffee, and it's just not working. Every cell in my body loathes the morning.

So, I took a picture of 7:00 AM. If you don't recognize what 7:00 AM looks like, I hate you. If you do, maybe we can collectively offer up all of our loathing and create some sort of force-like entity from which we can all draw strength. Or maybe I can just drink stronger coffee.

Posted by Eric

Thoughts on Things Down South and Beyond

It seems to me that our separation from the natural world—a state of being experienced by nearly all Americans—is perhaps the greatest catastrophe of modern living. Ours is a chosen alienation, replaced with dreamworld landscapes, most of them soulless, vapid, and brutal. Our history is replete with examples of human-induced natural destruction.

This Is Getting Seriously Out of Hand

No longer content with ripping off Volume One's print content (here and here), Minnesota newspapers appear to be pilfering our online content, as well. How so? The August 9th edition of the Star Tribune features a head-to-head comparison of various cultural items found in Minnesota and Texas, which looks suspiciously like Aryn Widule's Wisconsin vs. Texas death match—appearing over two weeks earlier—in form, if not content.

I suppose we should be flattered. Instead, we are disappointed in Minnesota. We expected so much more from them.

Posted by Mike

Poopie Shoes Not Funny

I'll be the first to admit that there isn't much wrong with my life. The video games, the 2 hour long pizza buffets, and the... uh... video games. However, there is one way in which my life could significantly improve: less dog doo. In the past two weeks, how many games of Frisbee have had to stop because I stepped in poop? Two. That is unacceptable. I can see stepping in feces maybe two or three times a summer (because I'm a fairly active guy, and I love me a good park), but twice in two weeks is not cool. That's something like an average of one time a week. That means by the end of the summer, I will have stepped in dog droppings roughly 16 times. And I'm just being conservative, it could be even more. I'm pretty sure there's some kind of law protecting us from this sort of thing—you know, from salmonella or whatever—but people just let it slide. Not me, not in my town. I'm taking the law into my own hands. Now, I'm not blaming the dogs for this. Heck, if I could get away with going to the bathroom in on scenic McDonough Park, I'd be the first to drop trou(ser.) What I'm proposing is some sort of community watch, like those ones we have for burglars and pirates. We could hang signs up on all of our houses, saying something like...

Thinking Number 2?
(This would be written out in some sort of fancy font.)

Well, think again!
(Using the D.A.R.E. font!)

Not in our town, pal.
(This last part would be in some sort of neutral font, you know, like Times New Roman or Helvetica, so they would know we were serious.)

We could have neighborhood vigils, potlucks, and corn grillers. And if it felt right, we could accept monetary donations for scholarships or whatever. Anyway, I feel really strong about this, so the first meeting is at my house. Bring a dish to pass. Cheryl's famous Ambrosia will be served!

Posted by Ian

Let's Face It, Eau Claire Really Needs...

...a mini-golf Shangri-La.

Eau Claire is not without a mini-golf course. Triple Play on Clairemont Avenue features a very well-done 18 holes. They are set into a hill, featuring flowing water, and they are very well-maintained. However, if you are looking for some off the hook mini-golf—with spinning windmills, foam-rubber dinosaurs, ball loop-de-loops, and zany, one-of-a-kind holes—you are out of luck. Let's face it: Eau Claire scores a six on the par two hole that is local mini-golf. We need a mini-golf mega-plex.

It definitely needs a theme, but not one of those run-of-the-mill, overdone themes. Pirates, outer space, the wild west, or the jungle simply will not do. The following themes, on the other hand, would create splendid mini-golf courses: the interstate highway system, the 1840's, photosynthesis, Family Matters (post-Urkelbot), Tom Brokaw's career, and pie. This 8th wonder of the mini-golf world needs explosions, animatronics, a fake flood, and balls flying EVERYWHERE. Eau Claire's mini-golf nirvana would keep kids off the streets, would provide yet another option in a city that has "nothing to do," and would nearly guarantee us a future PGA champion. Or an LPGA champion. The course would definitely not discriminate.

Posted by Eric

Dippin' Minnesota

I just realized that we've had an abnormally large number of posts today (like, three) concerning our sister to the west, Minnesota. To some, it may appear that our loyalty to Wisconsin has grown a bit wobbly. This is simply not true. To prove it, we present to you the following political/culinary commentary from Memorial High School Sophomore Bryan Rasmussen...

Ok, so we're better than Minnesota right? Ya, we are. So what I'm all perplexed about is, how come you can't walk 10 feet through Minnesota without seeing someplace to buy Dippin' Dots? For all of you who don’t know, Dippin' Dots is the greatest ice cream EVER! So I think Wisconsin needs to up the ante a little bit and show Minnesota who's boss. Let's take the only thing that is sacred to them. Let's steal all of their Dippin' shops. Do y'all really wanna be upstaged by them and their stupid lakes?

Thanks, Bryan! We certainly do not want to be upstaged. So you'll be pleased to know that, according to the Dippin' Dots website, Wisconsin already has more Dippin' outlets than Minnesota. The closest is in Menomonie, here.

We rule. They drool.

Is Air Conditioning Satan's Tool?

It's been pretty muggy since, like, Monday. Thank god for air conditioning. A few years ago, I told someone that "air conditioning was a solution to a problem." He told me that, "Napalm was a solution to a problem." Um... yeah.

While it's true this man was over dramatic (and crazy), he did have a point. I wrote about air conditioning in the July Volume One, so this article from I.D. Magazine caught my eye. Instead of regurgitating a list of the environmental harms caused by AC, the author makes some pretty interesting points about how it affects urban culture.

Civilization isn't business, it's pleasure. It starts happening when you look up from your toil and use your senses to entertain yourself and your friends. Whether you're making art or eating at a sidewalk café, it's culture that burgeons, the contagious inspiration fueled by desire, not survival, to commune with your fellow man. Civilization is the force that makes things smell better, look nicer, sound more interesting than they have to be. But it can't thrive unless people exit their homes and show up in public to gawk, politick, or traffic in gossip and ideas. When citizens can no longer withstand the unconditioned air between buildings, urbanity ceases.

Contrasting most American cities, the author describes Barcelona, Spain...

Rather than rely on machines—and wreck their old architecture with window units and ducts—they design their habits, hardware, clothes, and attitude to cool themselves off. Now their deference seems sustainably avant-garde.
Read more.

People in Barcelona live these kick-ass lifestyles that work around and with the heat. It seems to work. I don't know how "urban" you'd describe Eau Claire, but I can honestly say that the heat has kept me indoors on numerous occasions this summer—indoors and away from other people. I'm not sure Eau Claire can become Barcelona, but we can certainly try harder to acclimate. It's something to think about.

Posted by Mike

Some Local Thinking on Iraq

I had an epiphany yesterday. I was talking with Umnus, my well-informed teacher buddy, as we've talked for the last couple of years, speculating on how in the hell the U.S. (and coalition forces) will ever make "Iraq" work.

See, if the goal is regional stability, then how do you achieve that goal when your very presence destabilizes the region? And what do you promise the people of Iraq so that they will not ask you to leave? Because, after all, you want 14 permanent military bases to anchor your influence in a region swarming with angry, fearful, mistrusting ethnic/religious/political factions. Umnus raised the question, "Where are the bases? Are they already built?"

I said I didn't know.

Let's Face It, Eau Claire Really Needs...

...a super-dorky convention.

Eau Claire does a nice job drawing tourists. All hail Country Jam. It delivers us out-of-state money and cowboy hats. Establishments that sell bags of ice and Miller Lite benefit greatly. But let's face it, that tired country song is getting a little stale. We need another event that will bring in people from all over the world. This gathering needs to attract the finest in misguided brain power and a staggering amount of errant discretionary spending. We need a super-dorky convention.

The world of science fiction produces the most obvious candidates for dorky conventions. A Star Trek convention would be okay, but we should try to come up with an untapped vein of sci-fi obsession. Star Gate is definitely a front-runner. Who wouldn't pay gobs of money to meet Richard Dean Anderson? Convention organizers may also want to consider abandoning sci-fi all together. Saved by the Bell fans, assorted nut lovers, ketchup fetishists, and people with really, really long hair—none of these people have an annual event at which they can buy themed trading cards.

Come on, Eau Claire. Let's put on our alien masks, pull out our replica laser guns, and invite a crapload of people to do the same.

Posted by Eric

Let’s Face It, Eau Claire Really Needs…

...an Olympic athlete.

Nothing brings a town together like a celebrity. There's a certain amount of completely unearned pride that accompanies watching someone on TV who grew up where you did. The last time this happened for Eau Claire, embarrassingly enough, was when Kato Kaelin, (a UWEC alum) spent every second of his fifteen minutes of fame on the OJ Simpson witness stand. Let's face it: we need a new mascot.

While a famous actor or musician would be nice, the real hometown love goes to Olympic athletes. Just imagine the entire population of Eau Claire huddled around their TVs, cheering for our very own record-setting power lifter or rowing captain. We could put the name of our pride-and-joy trampoline acrobat (or fencer) on all the city signs. Bob Costas would interview people at Moulton's or Fairfax pool—where our gold medal ice dancer or synchronized swimmer got his or her start.

In pursuit of this goal, I would like to address all of the young athletes out there... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Get back in the gym! Put down that Twinkie and do some push-ups! You think those medals win themselves?

Posted by Eric

Street Performer Follow Up

Last week, we recognized the lack of amateur outdoor talent and made a plea for more street performers. One reader left a comment wondering about the legality of such an endeavor. As legality is one of our foremost values (right up there with frugality and fortitude), here is what every would-be sidewalk star should know:

According the Eau Claire Police Department, there is no law that directly forbids and/or regulates street performing. However, there are related statutes that must be considered. There is a city ordinance that outlaws pandering (a fancy cop term for begging). However, if someone just happens to drop a shilling in your open zither case, you're fine. Eau Claire also has a noise ordinance, violations of which are determined by an officer based on location and time of day. So, pleasant ukulele music during the day is okay. A timpani concerto at two in the morning outside my house is definitely not okay. There are other ordinances related to sidewalk use. You're supposed to keep moving and not block the sidewalk. If you are out of the way, and people can easily move past you, you should be fine. The novice street performer's best bet is to ask any property owners in earshot if they mind a little light walking music or a performance. Most of the preceding issues only become a problem after a complaint.

Posted by Eric